I can do this.

Its a dark rainy morning. I don't feel ready to start my day, even more I'm not ready to wake the kids to start theirs, making them rush their morning... just so I can rush mine. It's fall break for them, a nagging guilt runs through me. Still a tear wells....still.

Disappointment never leaves me. I have happiness and hope but with them a disappointment with this life passes through me, they come and go as sure as the seasons. This morning it was Libby not happy with life, yesterday it was Luke. Today he, (Luke) did everything perfect and on his own. When I praised him for being so responsible he said he knew I had my hands full with Libby. Even Luke knows that often I need an extra measure of grace. At the end of my morning with them I held Libby a little longer, wiping her tears, telling her I loved her (I was pretty sure she didn't even know why she was struggling). I sent her on her way telling her ,"you can do this Libby....you can do this".

Then not so many minutes later, making my way into work with my arms full of paperwork, keys, and already cold coffee, reflecting on my last two hours and considering my next eight, I say "you can do this, Lisa...you can do this". If I believe that God is who He say He is, I have to believe in this. I can do this.

Watch this...

How random....just walking by and all of the sudden... This is an experience few will forget. I can tell you what my reaction would be..."what the"?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQ3d3KigPQM

One more Christmas passed....

Sitting here the room gets slowly darker and the Christmas tree simultaneously brighter. Last week at this time the tree was a sort of cold statue reminding me that Christmas was coming....looming. Today with only time .... it's glow is prevailing . I can sit here and look at it and enjoy it. It's obligatory way has faded and I see it now as something of a monument. I made it, Christmas came and went. I feared it's suffocation. I wasn't sure if I could keep my breath when the loneliness swept in. Each and every ornament that has been added over the years screamed with memories and now they hang silenced with a sense of history with one more Christmas passed.
One more Christmas passed.... and next year another, then another. With everyone it will bring a semblance of normalcy..... a sense of my new life and what to expect and what to hope for. As this tree in my family room takes on new life I pray that my heart will also. I hope for a new year, a better year, a new life, a better life. I hope for this Christmas to have brought me a gracious lesson that will bring a new posture and purpose to this next year and to this next life.

Dragon Boats 2008

waiting for our final heat


fighting for first

we won by a 10th of a second

To the surprise of us all.... we won it!! After our first heat we knew we had a strong team. A few of us started thinking of the possibilities... but 1st out of 59 teams was just out of my imagination. Can't wait for next year!!

running inside of me...

I have been thinking about the many different filters I have seen the world in....my world in. I have definitely changed filters over the years. I suppose we all have. From a child's impression, innocent and believing to an adult not so seasoned, but seasoned enough. With life's satisfactions and disappointments, with its way of teaching you to dream then teaching to grieve and if resilient dream again. I'm wondering if my filter has any more dreams. I'm wondering if the allure of life will ever have the power to sweep me off my feet again....to take my run away thoughts to places I can't wait to hold on to, step into...feel alive through. I'm not who I was when I was 12, 24, or even 34....is anyone ever?
When I was 12 I would lay in the grass and wait for a cloud, and 24 I looked to the person beside me and wonder what life we would make, and 34 I sank comfortably in the sofa of my satisfaction. Now, I feel there are days I could drown in disappointment. I have made a promise to tread... to keep my head above the water and wait for my raft whether it comes in resilience or even a rest I welcome.

it's time to say goodbye....

Montana. This has been an amazing 3 weeks (see below). I'm sure the three of us won't forget it. We have rafted, biked, surfed, tubed, hiked, rafted again, surfed again... and again. I saw the kids self confidence swell as they tried things for the first time. I watched their eyes stare in amazement as they looked off into the landscape and I was taken back by their appreciation of all that surrounded them. We live in a beautiful place (east TN)... but there is something so amazing, so wild about Montana.... that something we will miss.

more fun in montana....

well... we have had a blast!!! In 3 weeks I think we have just about covered most things you can do (at least what we want to do) in Montana in the summer. The adults went mountain biking the other day... I just about hit a mule ear deer, it was standing in a blind spot on the trail. I didn't wreck though. I waited to do that were there was a steep cliff for me (and my bike) to roll down...nice. At least now when I go back to the family and I say I got attacked by a bear I have the scrapes on my back to prove it ; ) My favorite thing by far though was wake surfing. Sooo fun.

more Glacier....

Glacier National park at it's best.

We spent the day in Glacier National Park. We saw tons of wildlife. All of the above and a few mountain goats that we couldn't get any shots of due to dead batteries. The moose was in West Glacier... right off the road. I jumped out of the car to get a better shot... and could of had an amazing picture b/c it turned and started to walk straight for me... but I got scared... so I got back into the car. It was BIG... but still a baby. As we were driving to Canada there were cows every where... all over the roads. The cows were fenced in but our road went right through the pasture. So when we turned the corner and saw 4 animals in the road, we thought... more cows, instead it was 4 Grizzlies! A sow and 3 cubs. I wasn't fast enough to get a shot of all four because they took off. Above is the pic of the mother. We got to see her give her cubs a quick "attitude check"....she doesn't mess around. : ) Overall an amazing day... it is rare to see a moose and even more rare to see 4 grizzlies in the park... but all this in one day. Also the big horn rams above too. So cool. I have more pictures, of course.... they'll be posted soon.

paddling the flathead

Our day hike on Big Mountain

Montana is just as amazing as I left it this past winter. My oldest best friend (since high school) asked me which I liked more... Montana in the winter or summer. I can honestly say they are both equally impressive. Luke is in love with it as much or more than me...especially when he heard there isn't poison ivy or poison oak here! He loves adventures in the woods and back home stays covered in it. Libby wants to visit Libby, MT.... not sure that is going to happen, but it would be cute.

Keep us in your prayers....

We leave for Montana tomorrow. : )

signs of summer

So far so good...and it is only going to get better. We leave for Montana, Canada and, Florida in 7 days!!!

Libby's Kindergarten Graduation

my loves.



Grandma'ma : )


Libb and her bestest.



I think Hannah Montana taught her how to work the stage ; )

And.... so it's sowed!

Well, after 3 full weekends of serious yard work I am no longer "that neighbor". Since moving (this past winter) I haven't had the ambition nor the energy to deal with it. I had a motorcycle jump and a massive pile of cleared brush (6 trees, some of which were huge) to remove. The yard needed to be grated and seeded too... too much for me to do by myself. Thankfully, I am surrounded by the most AMAZING people ever. My community group (from church), my neighbors, and a couple friends from work all pitched in and helped... just like an old fashion barn raising. Thanks to all of them I no longer have to fear the city building inspector.... yeah. I don't even know how to thank those that have given me their time, resources, and love. The most amazing thing, I never asked....they just saw the need and stepped in. God's people are incredible and a small reflection of Him..... how much more is He?

To celebrate the kids and I went to the "the chucky" for some camping and play boating. The weather was beautiful. And, when we came home it was raining on our freshly seeded yard. Perfect.



one of my wonderful neighbors.


me and the kids.

luke play boating.


libby and friends rock hoppin.

the nolichucky.

diary of a mad white woman

I thought about using the title of this post as the title of this blog site... ha. If you have seen the movie with the same title except black you have some insight into my life....tragic yet blessed. I have lost so much. I think most days I'm unable to feel it. I think I am just trying to look forward...and when it's too scary, I just shut my eyes like a child. Sometimes when I open them again it's not so bad. I know in my heart I'm going to be okay. I'm no stranger to loosing things...and I'm okay. I wonder how some people can have it all and others can't even get their hands around it. It's especially hard when you feel like you were willing to do whatever it takes to hold onto it. For a long time I thought it was going to be enough. I wanted it to be enough... not just for me but for all of us. So, for now I'll just hold onto today.... though it feels like a shapeless form. I can't help but think of Peter in the storm... crying out for Jesus. He wanted his faith to be enough.... but it wasn't, at least not for that moment.

New Look : )

It's been a while.... too long of a while. New look.... New name. "Looking for Lisa" makes more sense than "sekondstory" . Over this past year...(well longer than that if we're being honest) I lost myself. Long story..... Today I am spending less time thinking about what I'm not and more 0f what Christ is. I'm trying to figure out what it really means to "die to yourself" and still have a sense of self. What does it mean to "considers others better than yourself?" (Phil. 2:3) Does that include EVERYONE? I am learning how hard this is when your hurting.